Opinion: What America would look like if it actually did look like Detroit

Former President Donald Trump visited the Detroit Economic Club and said that if his opponent in this year’s presidential election wins, “our whole country will end up looking like Detroit.” People seem to be shocked that a 78-year-old white guy from Queens would say something borderline, if not outright, racist about a majority-Black city, but nevertheless, Vice President Kamala Harris’ campaign immediately released a video response that could double as a Chrysler 200 ad. If it feels like you don’t know which year it is right now, it’s because absolutely nothing here is new.

All that necessary context aside, so what if all of America did end up looking like Detroit? Would “up north” begin at the Canadian border, then? Would we be called Ameriganders or Ameriganians? I’m picturing a country that collectively struggles to pronounce “Lahser,” but also one that has an appreciation for the arts and an undying loyalty to underdog sports teams. In many ways, much of the country already sounds, tastes and drives like Detroit, thanks to us already exporting our various musical innovations, cars and pizza. But let’s take it one step further if this country actually looked exactly like Detroit. (And if any presidential candidate ends up taking this seriously, thank me later when the Oval Office is designed with furniture from Floyd and accented with area rugs from a van parked in a gas station parking lot on Evergreen.)

1. The country’s infrastructure will be built on IBM and Android.

Rejoice, Google Pixel users, for your time has come. Since Detroit does not have an Apple Store in its city limits, why should the rest of Americans even bother with the fruits of Steve Jobs’ genius? That should be good news for the FAA, as taxpayers will be saved millions of dollars in systems upgrades. It’ll be bad news for cheaters used to using Apple’s array of syncing, tracking and time-stamping features — but hey, we are the city that taught Americans that’s it’s not so easy to delete a text.

2. Family Dollar, Dollar Tree and Dollar General are Americans’ go-to retail options.

Yeah, Detroit doesn’t have an Apple Store, but what’s the other big thing we don’t have? We don’t have a Target! — at least not in the city limits. There’s no Walmart in the city limits, either, and even Detroit’s own pioneer of retail, Kmart, no longer exists. Say goodbye to big-box stores (except Home Depot) and hello to Five Below. Per a wholly unscientific Google (re: No. 1 above) search, there are 20 Family Dollar stores, 20 Dollar General stores and 12 Dollar Tree stores in the city limits. The trade-off is that America will get sporadically placed Whole Foods locations, each with a custom Stevie Wonder-designed parking lot, while Whole Foods’ primary competitor, Trader Joe’s, will cease to exist. One guarantee about those dollar stores is that while some of them may have a front door from the nearest Home Depot, at least they’ll be clean.

3. Finally, the American transportation and automotive industries will fire on all four cylinders.

Because if all of America is to look like Detroit, all Americans will have to own an automobile. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg won’t have time to summer in Traverse City anymore, since he’ll be busy implementing Detroit-style expressways (the terms “freeways’ and “highways” will be banned by the Supreme Court) all throughout the country — complete with patched-over potholes and endless road dieting. After that, it’s smooth sailing for Ford, General Motors and Chrysler (note: All Americans will be forced to adapt to Detroiters’ style of calling everything by its original name), and certainly no more union strikes, right? Sadly, this means iconic transport systems like New York City subways and Chicago El trains will be replaced by either a single monorail that runs on a loop or a heavily branded shipping crate on wheels that only travels between where the wealthiest of the population lives. (And that’s before you get to the executive order that the U.S. Transportation Department will be divided up into national, statewide, regional and local divisions that can all opt out of working with each other regardless of the concern of their fellow Americans.)

4. Stan wars among the terminally online can now be easily settled.

Beyonce or Rihanna? The answer is Aaliyah. Kendrick or Drake? It’s Big Sean. Greatest rapper alive? Eminem. No longer will Katherine Jackson have the distinction of having the most anointed womb; that honor is permanently bestowed upon Mattie Moss-Clark. We will replace “American Idol” winners such as Kelly Clarkson with Madonna and Jennifer Hudson with an AI-generated hologram of Aretha Franklin. “The Star-Spangled Banner” will be replaced with “Don’t Stop Believin’,” and Kid Rock will be exiled to wherever Tory Lanez is. (Speaking of, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement will be mandated to open up their borders with special provisions for Canadian performers — particularly if said performers can inspire a running dance craze based off one of their songs, and/or granted citizenship by marrying a Detroit athlete.)

5. The beauty and cosmetology industries will become America’s highest-salaried skilled trades.

If all of America is to look like Detroit, everybody’s hair is about to be laid down — and all these Instagram beauticians charging extra for a wash will finally be justified. No one is about to hit a bigger lick in Trump’s New America than hairdressers (now dressed in aprons by Carhartt), nail techs and estheticians because it will be added to the Constitution that you can’t be out here looking like Olivia Pope when she was kidnapped under Detroit Style Law, Section 3, Article 13. I’m talking Kash Doll ponytails, Eric Thomas ponytails, Clark Sisters flips and updos, the legendary Anita Baker pixie cut, and the Aretha wigs with no lace. I literally can’t wait to see Gretchen Whitmer pull up to Inaguration Day at the Manoogian Mansion (new location, no longer the U.S, Capitol) with 25mm mink lashes, a sickening red from The Lip Bar and a Glamaholic bag and for Gmac Cash to make a song about it before the American flag reaches half-mast.

6. There might be greater national understanding of conflicts — and people in general — abroad.

I once pointed out that there may be no region in the country with more ripple effects from the ongoing and intensifying Israel-Palestine conflict than Metro Detroit, which claims the largest concentration of Arabs outside of the Middle East. For much of the country, last October forced a crash course in international relations and education of multiple groups of people they likely thought little of, if at all, before. Those in the Detroit area already knew. If America looks like Detroit, America will get to know the basics: Many Arab-Americans are Muslim, but not all of them are. Many Arab-Americans are Christian. Not all Arab-Americans hail from the same country. Not everyone from the Middle East identifies as Arab. That’s all bare minimum for us here in the Mitten. But if America looks like Detroit, perhaps there might be greater nationwide compassion for all countries in distress.

7. Your entire existence will be measured based on which high school you went to.

The conversations around affirmative action, DEI hiring and social climbing will no longer be tied to Ivy League pedigrees or HBCU authenticity. Instead, we’ll bring it down to the secondary level with the age-old Motor City icebreaker: “Which high school did you go to?” If nothing else, social cues, grace and etiquette, as well as demographic categories and population trends, might get a little easier. The most annoying, social-climbing Americans among us will brag about going to the technical high schools with both pageant queens and former mayors alike. Therapists across the nation will see bookings rise like a phoenix from the ashes as adult alumni of the magnet high schools grapple with their late-onset gifted kid syndromes, while gayborhoods across the country will be populated with grads from the private Jesuit high schools. An anthropologist’s dream come true.

8. “Made in the USA” is about to get really, really serious.

No, for real — the Federal Trade Commission will have to create an entirely new division dedicated to verifying if a business or any other organization should have “America” in the name or not. (And while we’re at it, don’t try to front like you grew up in America if you really grew up in South America.)

9. Don’t know what to do with it? Tear it down!

Once the offices and residences in the White House are announced as the Hudson Building’s newest tenants, we, the American taxpayers, will have to do something about the original structure over at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C. (a capital city deemed too boring by the chattering class). We’ll take the easy Detroit way out and demolish it. Who cares if it’s one of the most recognizable structures and its absence will make a glaring absence in that city’s landscape? Tear it all down and sell the remaining land on the empty lot to whoever lives next door for $100. (Or just leave the White House empty for 40 years and let one of the car companies fix it back up later, either way.)

10. A Detroit-style America will mean a Detroit-style dinner plate.

Agricultural workers across the country will see additional rewards to their labor as farmers’ markets across the country swell to Eastern Market-sized proportions. The pizza wars will be settled as New Yorkers and Chicagoans give in to our signature Detroit-style pies. The American palate at large will be introduced to coneys, shawarmas, botanas, paczeks, almond chicken and Vernors — though our Irish friends might need some time to adjust to their shock at everything Detroiters are doing with corned beef. Americans will eat so well as Detroiters have forever — just not after 8 p.m., and never on Mondays.